Lavender, Lament and Letting Go

As I set my mind to decompress mode, I sprinkle the lavender onto my pillow, apply some to my neck and wrists and breathe deeply. In with the calm,out with the stress. I peer at the multitude of books piled on my night stand, imploring one to jump out and say, “oooh, pick me! Pick me!” It’s a menagerie of prayer books, devotionals, testimonies and novels chosen by me for various reasons and in various seasons of my life. As I read over the titles, I can’t help but wish that all the knowledge and wisdom they are capable of imparting would jump from the pages and into my brain. I so want to prayerfully discern which path is best, acquire the peace I am promised and learn the scriptures through and through. At 51, I feel an urgency to drink it all in, to not miss a drop.

Suddenly the lavender is overcome by lament.  Too many years wasted on performance. Too many days ending without satisfaction. Far too much time striving and not enough spent living.  I never stop proving, performing, jumping through hoops. For what and for whom, I’m not sure. But I know I feel the need to redeem myself after all the years I spent living in selfish sinful behaviors. No matter if it is ministry, parenting or writing, I am determined to do it right! I guess I am trying to shake off the old and be someone shiny and new, because that’s what I see as a better version of me. But I am forgetting the fact that I have nothing to do with making myself new. It was all Jesus. It is all about who he is and what he did and not at all about who I am and what I do. I am a new creation in him. Apart from him I am nothing. He created me just as I am and loves me completely. He is not interested in my performance, or a better version of myself. He is interested in my heart, all of it. And if my heart is committed to him, my fruit will grow and multiply.I will be in the Word. His presence will become evident in my life. And in this I will please him. 

​So, tonight I read, not because I need to gain some sort of secret knowledge or unlock the code to being the perfect Christian hidden in this book. Tonight I read because I can. Because it is my desire. And whatever results is a bonus. Here’s to peace filled dreams and hopeful tomorrows. Here’s to zero expectation and people pleasing. Here’s to authenticity, cutting myself a break and letting go of shallow initiatives.  Here’s to my God, who by the blood of his son made me holy. And that is more that all the books or accomplishments in the world will ever do for me. Praise Him!