I Lost It

I’ve lost my filter. You know, the one that stops stupid things from coming out of your mouth. The one that prevents the eye roll, the storming out of a room and the general self-control needed in a conflict. I used to have a great filter. It kept my appearance shiny and my arguing to a minimum. But it’s gone. I miss it. Its absence has, however, forced me to seek out the reason I need one in the first place. Where is my bitterness coming from, and why do I continually need to wrestle it to the ground?
Well, it’s been my experience that stuffing and filtering is much easier than stripping and solving. But, it’s time; time to strip it down and get to the root issues, ugly as they are. The foliage of a tree is much more appealing to look at than the roots, but the fruit and leaves die without healthy roots. So here we go.
I’m angry .I’m defeated. I lack trust in people. I’m hurt. I feel like a victim. I’m self-condemning. I’m afraid. I’m prideful. I want to get off the ride.
And these only scratch the surface. Can anyone relate? So now what? Well, the only advice I know that is 100% reliable comes from God’s word, so this is how I plan to use it. I will let my feelings face off with the truths of scripture and see what holds water. (I’ll give you a hint, our feelings are big fat liars!) Then I will rest. I will give it to God and let Him fight my battles. I will allow His truths to silence the voices in my head. Only then will the turmoil cease.
I’m angry. Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
I’m defeated. Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
 I lack trust in people. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,   and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
I’m hurt. Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.
I’m a victim. James 4:17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
 I’m self-condemning. Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
 I’m afraid. Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
 I’m prideful. Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
I want to get off the ride. Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

I am walking in these truths and walking away from bitterness. I know I will need to turn around and revisit these truths several times a day for the rest of my life. It is work. My fleshly self is beastly and hard to take down. But I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Here’s to dying to self AGAIN!

Thank you God for never giving up on me. Your love for me is deep, wide and eternal. Help me to believe that. AMEN